Sometimes it Just Hurts

Anyone who has experienced trauma knows - the ramifications - the healing - it all takes work - and we are still human - so when all of a sudden we experience a 'bad day' or we end up 'triggered' (thankfully I haven't suffered an ACTUAL trauma response since Oct 20, 2024) HOWEVER -

Feelings become scary - Relationships become distrusting - and while in a trauma response the lack of emotional regulation can lead even the most previously mentally sound individual behave in manners they themselves can not even begin to truly understand.

Today was a day - one of my hardest since the day I felt I 'snapped back to reality' - I've had to own my actions during an illness that no one could see.

I've had to accept that PTSD doesn't excuse how my actions have affected others - BUT ALSO - have had to accept that no one in my circle cared to understand I was 'sick'.

I understand now - that my brain isn't immersed in a 'trauma fog' and I don't live every day in constant fear that feels never ending - lacking control of my emotions and reactions -despite having the knowledge of why I was behaving the way I was - and KNOWING before the latest onset of trauma? Was 100% CAPABLE of being a different person... SO I understand - how hard it was for people to see me go through it.

But some of those who mattered most to me? Didn't even try to understand - they indoctrinated my actions into who I am - they had ZERO understanding - nor cared to try - the WHY behind my seemingly 'out of character' behavior.

The people I gave forgiveness? Won't - forgive me the same way.

The people I loved so selflessly? Couldn't love ME that way the only time I truly needed it...

I always practice forgiveness because I believe that it is FAR MORE for the person doing the forgiving than the person we forgive.

My closest relationships - the things I held most sacred and trusted in this world? All prove to be NOT what I thought they were -

I fought like hell - defied all odds - and I now know how people become 'lost' struggling with illness like PTSD and Trauma - IT'S HARD.

I have no one left that really wants to hear what I think - most of them couldn't stand the 18 months before I Finally got well - but my original prognosis due to the level of trauma I experienced had my very original diagnosis this round? Saying It could take 15 years ...

18 months later - I changed my life in ways that are .. .INSANE. Once that full fog was gone - and my heart was broken enough ?

Well, there was no one left to care about pleasing - or how they felt - besides me and the kids - and so F* it - I finally got strong - I fought like hell and survived something that seemed at many times?

UNSURVIVABLE.

I realized that I made excuses for so many people because of either what I believed was in their heart? Or my level of knowledge of psychology....

Having suffered basically off/on my whole life with trauma - wanting DESPERATELY to be a better person - YEAR TO DATE? I haven't gone more than 90 days without a mental health check in since 2016.... and when my brain truly felt broken - I conquered my ultimate fear of police - calling them myself - begging for help - getting handcuffed and admitted myself to a psych ward ...

I MADE THE SCARY CHOICES.

I MADE THE HARD CHOICES.

I NEVER SAID "I Can't" (well I probably did - and followed it by fighting like HELL)

I'm proud .... but now know? Not everyone is so ... capable with trauma? I've had to accept that ... You can't always have what you want - and anyone who isn't a SUPPORT? Is a road block ...

Trouble is - if someone hasn't experienced trauma - they don't understand the fight - they take the illness personally - the behavior a person exhibits with increased cortisol and constant fight/flight that is completely untrusted and over shadowed by fear? And some how ??

THEY MAKE THAT SHIT ABOUT THEM ???

Trauma recovery is one of the hardest and messiest things to do - and it's never graceful -I used to say "3 steps forward - 2 steps back" (That's what should be expected in recovery) - but when I was then inflicted most recently? That wasn't enough for me - that didn't FEEL good- going backwards felt like going backwards- and I was SO MAD at my lack of control - and the behaviors so incredibly out of my character - that I know the illness clearly says -that's what to expect - IT WASN'T okay.

I do really well most days now - but - Heavy days full of emotion? Almost get scary - the true realization of all I have lost weighs heavier on my heart - and I don't blame anyone - but I know what my actions caused - and I know that I busted my ass to get better - but those I hurt along the way - or the people I had to walk away from realizing that - no matter who they were to me? They CLEARLY - didn't care enough to understand my struggles the way my healthiest self had for ALL OF THEM.

All I needed/wanted was a space full of honesty and safety - no matter where I turned - the incredibly small circle I had allowed myself to trust - ever being distrusting due to the childhood trauma I experienced - but THAT CIRCLE - IMPLODED - and LITERALLY no one besides the children I raised was who I believed they either truly were ? OR AT LEAST : Were capable of being.

ALL the moments I worried and stressed about how they may be feeling and dealing with life- working to understand their struggles - providing understanding - forgiveness?

When I finally needed it? The only ones who TRULY showed up were my kids - who I WAS SUPPOSED to take care of - not the other way around...

Some days ... the loss feels like so much - but .... I properly can process and accept it now - having to accept - I can't let those people back in my life if they will threaten my mental health - sad that they'd rather have life that way that be inspired to be better people because they love me ... like I originally did for so many because I understood the ways my childhood trauma made life hard for those I loved - I wanted to be better and not erratically behave - or say hurtful things.... so I got better - for so many years that when life happened - and I was broken?

The only ones by my side consistently - were my children. NO ONE I felt true depth of care for could hack it - but the CHILDREN did ...

But my children are not my friends and the dynamic of a relationship when we are a caregiver - well ... That's why some days - despite being proud of myself - I'm so disappointed with others - that it can weigh heavily and make me sad ...

It's okay - Daisy & I Are going to the beach tomorrow - and Beach Therapy is a REAL thing.

It's 'MY' Church - and I know I'll be okay - which I remember in the deepest throws of trauma? That wasn't the case .... I really didn't know.

I'm stronger now .... I'm healthier now .... but some days .... the sadness and disappointment and the loss of people I thought were something they clearly weren't?

It ... just hurts ....