No one has stuck by me like Anthony has. No matter what my struggles may be? He has never given up on me. It's not always pretty, we haven't always been the healthiest, we definitely aren't perfect - but as long as people stay out of our business and we focus on whatever issues we may have? It's assured that we will reach some level of peace and acceptance regarding it. He's been my best friend for 25 years and no one has - nor will love me more than he does. 

Our most recent 'struggle' - has us living apart but it is because we agree that right now the best thing for both of us to do - is what we do best. Both working to heal from what life has handed us and working through how we both have been affected. Owning our behaviors that were unhealthy and working to change them - as we do. 

Stronger every day - as we emerge from what has been our greatest trial? I have no doubt we will find a way to be even better than ever - because that's just how we roll. 

Once upon a time, Chris was probably THE #1 person I truly believed would never let me down and I never doubted I could always count on him. 

He used to be one of my favorite conversationalists and is probably one of the only people I would ever agree to sit down and watch a movie with (and actually watch it).

One of only 2 people besides Anthony who believed I could trust - I will forever be thankful for his involvement in my life - especially because writing "Siren Stories" is only possible because of him. 

But as they say, trust - is the one thing that once it is broken it can never be put back together quite the same. As time has gone on - and like so many others - our friendship was only as strong as it was assuming I never had any "REAL" issue. 

My recent bout of trauma was completely disregarded without a care to understand it - or how PTSD-Complex affected me. 

Having lost control of my emotional capacity on more than one occasion - that is what Chris chose to focus on - not all the years and things I believed he knew about me. Clearly he did not- nor did he care to accept that I had an illness and rather opted to judge me for the block in my brain. 

Unwilling to understand PTSD-Complex resulted in him being more of a negative detriment in my life and on more than one occasion since I became well he opted to throw my 'mistakes' - which are more like SYMPTOMS in my face and indoctrinate them into my personality. 

It is hard enough to accept how my illness affected my behavior - and in turn how my behavior affected those I care about. 

Our friendship was not nearly as strong as I felt - and in the end the only viable choice was to shut down our interactions and allow myself to finish healing, which would never have happened if I was constantly having my symptoms thrown in my face like choices from someone who was supposed to be so incredibly close to me and yet didn't care enough to understand what my struggles were. As a result - he became a person whose involvement in my life brought more pain than happiness and most sadness than anything else. 

I don't hold it against him - and I wish him well. I am thankful to have this machine to make my dreams come true - but given his behavior it is highly unlikely he will be a part of my life moving on. 

My one and only best friend left - who has earned that title more than the other even lengthier friendships in my life. 

Struggling with my PTSD-Complex & Trauma - Powerkane listened to me question my judgement, my interactions with others, my pain and frustration, my deduction and reasoning,  and my tears.

When I would disappear for 3 days - and seemingly not even care to check and see how he was doing? Well - just as I would have hoped and expected from my other longtime friends -POWERKANE was the one to step up - say nothing - offer no judgement - no anger. 

Eventually I would realize that was seemingly behaving like a selfish ass, and he never threw it in my face - or talked about how my drastic change in behavior had turned me into someone he wasn't used to. 

He ... just ... accepted me - and most recently was the truest friend I could ever ask for when he gave me a hard shove on a defensive topic and convinced me to take better care of myself. 

We may have only been friends for 5 years at this time - but he has already proven to be more understanding and TRULY accepting than any of the people who have known me forever and should have clearly seen I wasn't acting like myself. 

He did - and he held on to who he has come to know I am as a person and put up with more BS than he ever should have from me and did it with literally no whining which can pretty much not be said for anyone else. 

Powerkane has taught me what TRUE friendship is about - it's not about always having fun - or even getting along - it's about caring enough to understand the balance that friendships deserve - and being strong enough to do just that. 

God seemingly puts mother figures in my life - I've never gone long without one truly - and at the top of that list is Sue. Having no reason to trust or believe me - meeting me in the midst of my trauma diagnosis - it didn't matter what I said- she watched my actions and saw me nearly immediately for who I had always strived to be - despite my having lost control of myself in many of those manners. 

She helped me in every way possible accomplish my goals and get on the road to recovery - and then supported me through that recovery becoming one of the closest people I have in my life. 

I love her like a mother, she is an inspiration to put it mildly and I hope as I grow up and I can heed the advice she took the time to teach me - and then grow up to be at least HALF of the AMAZING BEAUTIFUL WOMAN she is! 

Ironically , trauma spreads. Undealt with trauma festers in your head and will quite literally eat your brain. I did my best to help the person who was my #1 best friend, Aunt to my children and Godmother to my middle son. Looking back maybe I was too positive - because I don't think I truly understood the level of trauma she was suffering from. 

In the end of the day however - it's all about choices and you can't lay in a bed and let everyone do everything for you while your brain rots - even if those people are willing to do so. 

Despite being the initiator of my trauma (not my PTSD-C however) - I am thankful for her because all the years before then she as the most amazing friend. I won't blame her for losing the emotional capacity to do so - but I also won't accept her lack of effort to heal . 

She snapped becoming dangerous and launched poignant attacks despite our family having done all we could for her.

Although I don't blame her - understanding her capabilities now - I know she will have no place in my life moving forward - but my survival and recovery from what she inflicted on our family? 

Well I definitely believe we will all be better on the other side - and she humbled me greatly - although I tried to be the best support and 'cheerleader' for her while she struggled with her severe trauma and ptsd? 

I have learned - that no one can help someone who won't help themselves - AND - Trauma is a real bitch - and may days I didn't think I was going make it - so I can understand her frustration regarding it - but she let her brain deteriorate until it snapped and I lost my absolute best friend I had for the majority of my life. 

Lastly - there is no one I have to thank more than my oldest son. Having learned with me while we were attempting to support DB, he had an understanding of what we were facing. No one had to deal more with my awful vile loss of emotional control than he did - no one had to live in fear about me trying to hurt myself the way that he did. 

All the adults in his life were sissies while he manned-up and did what was necessary - and that's just the cold truth. 

He believed in me - and truly believed that if anyone could kick the severe mental illness I was afflicted with? IT would be me. 

He never gave up - and when I would lose control - he never took anything personally. No matter HOW awful what I said was. He waded out the storm despite his own broken heart and he is 100% the #1 reason I have survived. 

I couldn't be more proud of the Man he has grown up to be not to mention the level headed adult he has become at the age of only 21.

He outshined every adult in my life - he showed me TRUE LOVE - and support - and then cared for his siblings and literally did every single thing possible to support me and encourage my recovery. 

I wouldn't be alive today without him - and I don't plan to take a day for granted. I don't plan to wallow - or waste time with anger , regret or even sadness when I can help it - I plan to live this life making the most of it and appreciating every moment and ANYONE who behaves in a manner that disrupts that? Will have NO place in my life - it's the best thing I can do to show him appreciation and prove that I won't take the opportunity he busted his ass and suffered for to give me for granted.

I will be strong enough to walk away from those who impact my life more negatively than positively. 
I will continue to work to live my life dream as I write "Siren-Stories",
I WON'T forget the opportunity his love and dedication has given me, 
And I WILL BE STRONGER THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE.